Psychic Salad

How does a psychic salad differ from a regular salad?

It's all in what you put into it and how you mix it up. Here's what I do to make a great psychic salad:

1. Obtain the very best lettuce -- don't use iceberg ever, ever, ever. My preference here is to pick my own, out of my 5 acre food garden, which is basically organized along the lines of a Druid shrine. I have energy points and corner stones, mounds and guardians along the North-South sides. We're located on a vortex, which helps immensely, and our garden soil is topped with a few grains from Stonehenge, picked up in 1911 by Norden Grey on his trip there. I have a few grains left in a sample vial.

2. Never use just one head of lettuce. Combine types -- I prefer Romaine with a touch of butterhead, but definitely that's a matter of taste. I never, ever, ever use iceberg, the bane of all salad-lovers.

3. In a clean sink that has been purified with rock salt rubbed on the stainless steel surface, wash the lettuce thorougly -- now, listen closely -- lifting the outer leaves to get inside the lettuce mass. As you lift, you can break off the leaves, but keep them whole for the moment. Wash each leaf as you remove it from the lettuce-head mass.

4. Place the leaves in a rotary spin drier. I like several types, but the best can be had at places like William Sonoma -- those have a "stopper" and an easier spin than most. Dry thoroughly, because you're not going to want to mix water with the dressing.

5. Now carefully break the leaves into smaller pieces, but -- and this is important -- not too small. Place them in a giant mixing bowl. I use a stainless bowl for the purpose, but wood is all right if you can keep it bacterially clean.

6. Only now should you prepare your dressing, unless you are using a marinate, in which case, ignore this comment.

7. Dressing should be as simple as you can endure. Triple-virgin olive oil works for me, with just a tiny dash of lemon. If you can taste the lemon over the oil, you've added too much. No other condiment goes directly into the dressing.

8. Pour the dressing over the lettuce leaves, then mix with hands or giant bamboo forks. Never use metal spoons or implements in a metal bowl. Metal on metal is a total no-no.

9. Place the salad in an individual service bowl on an underdish, and allow the diner to add freshly ground pepper if they wish.

Sounds simple, no? Actually, getting it just right is a matter of years of solid practice.